SHEâ€™S JUST A FRIEND: Yeah right. If sheâ€™s attractive and single we see her as a threat. If she really is just a friend, let us know the reason why. Is it because sheâ€™s not your type, she has a boyfriend, she has an annoying personality? We like to be reassured that youâ€™re not secretly into your â€œfriendâ€.
Iâ€™LL CALL YOU TONIGHT AT 8PM: Do NOT give a specific time or date of when you will be calling unless you intend to keep your word. If you say you will call tonight, we are expecting a call tonight. Not calling will set off all sorts of alarms that will lead to us not trusting you. If you donâ€™t know when you will call, you can say something like, â€œIâ€™ll talk to you later.â€
SHEâ€™S HOT: We like to think that, at least in your eyes, we are the hottest woman on the planet. Pointing out that someone else is attractive will not earn you any brownie points. We donâ€™t want to know if you think anyone else is hot, so zip it!
I DONâ€™T USE CONDOMS: Thatâ€™s nice. We donâ€™t want an STD. Condoms are a fact of life in todayâ€™s society, so unless youâ€™ve been tested and plan to be monogamous, get used to them.
I LOVE YOU: If you donâ€™t mean it, youâ€™ll be opening Pandoraâ€™s Box. Women do not take this statement lightly. We are waiting for you to say it and when you do, we assume the relationship is moving to the next level. If youâ€™re not ready for that, then donâ€™t utter these three little words until you are.
DID YOU GAIN WEIGHT: Does this one really need an explanation? You shouldnâ€™t even say this jokingly, even if your girlfriend is stick thin. Just as you donâ€™t want to hear anything about your â€œsizeâ€, women donâ€™t want to hear about their weight.
MY EX ALWAYS/NEVER/USED TO: If your ex is still on your mind so much that you need to constantly bring her up, then why are you dating us? Relationships are difficult enough without the ghost of your ex floating around. Either get back with her or shut up.
YOU REMIND ME OF MY MOTHER: Do not compare your mother to your girlfriend unless youâ€™ve made it clear that you absolutely adore your mother and think the world of her.
DID WE HAVE PLANS: Oh no you didnâ€™t! If weâ€™ve made plans to get together, weâ€™ve been looking forward to it all day. Weâ€™ve been thinking about how to dress and how to do our hair. Donâ€™t rain on our parade by being dumb enough to forget or there will be hell to pay.
KEEP IN TOUCH/CALL ME: What the heck is that supposed to mean? That you donâ€™t plan on ever calling us again? That you want us to call you next time? That youâ€™re unsure how we feel about you and you want to see if weâ€™ll call? Thereâ€™s too much room for misinterpretation here, so just donâ€™t use either of these ambiguous expressions. Your job is to call, our job is to wear the high heels.
Here is a bonus one:
HOW OLD ARE YOU: If the woman appears to be anywhere near 30, do not ask her age. If you really must know, you can make an educated guess from other information she gives you, such as when she graduated from college. If however, she appears to be under 20, you absolutely must ask, so as to make sure she is of legal age!